Whenever i write a blog, i have to be completely in my feelings. It is currently 2am, dark and i am halfway through a box of tissues :)
As you can probably tell, this hasn’t been the best week of my life however, in great Chloe fashion, i spent all weekend drunk and oblivious. Completely empty just how i like it lol :)
One thing i have realised recently is that i am very indecisive, in every sense of the word. Most of the time I’m making decisions just for the vibes rather than thinking logically. I am the worst person for making a final decision because within a few days i will overthink and regret it immediately. I’m not exactly impressed with this trait i so clearly received from my mother but i suppose it adds some spice lol. There has been a situation in my life for almost nine years that always seems to appear every time i try to cut it off. My hopeless romantic self loves to analyse this into being a huge sign that we are soulmates (romance films cloud my brain.) I’ve never actually been in love before but i know that in this case, i have been in love for a very long time, just without knowing what that felt like.
I convinced myself that relationships weren’t for me and that I’m nowhere near ready for that commitment however, i know now that it’s the being vulnerable that scares me the most. Imagine telling someone all your deepest, darkest secrets and next thing you know, you’re a loner again lol.. would rather stub my toe a million times over! My friends love to remind me of how many times i panic when i feel like my independence is being taken from me but in reality, i just don’t want to give it up. I’ve never had to rely on anyone or think about someone else so of course i would always be worried. I probably take the trophy of the world’s worst girlfriend and honestly, i don’t wear it with pride. I need to learn that letting my guard down will not always end up as a negative and with the right person, could blossom into something good.
When i was in a relationship, I noticed not everyone is happy for you. In fact, i have never felt so insecure in my life. What upset me most is that the opinions of myself i would see came from people so irrelevant to my life. What gives you the right to put other girls down? Granted i am no supermodel, i have a nose big enough for two people and i have the body of an ironing board but i pride myself in the person i am and the way I present myself. You will never see me being mean to anyone over a boy and if i ever lose myself, i sure hope my friends are there to tell me what not to do. They are real ones for sure and I thank them for destroying their livers for me this weekend lol :)
Having my first boyfriend has been very weird. This past week has caused me a whirlwind of emotions but overall, it was the most beautiful it could have been. If it is not me he is supposed to be with, I’m sure that he will find a ‘supermodel’ in no time ;) Everyone has a different love language, mine is the one you find in movies so unrealistic and i think that’s where I sabotage myself. Nobody is going to write me a love letter but you know what, I’ve learnt a birthday card with nice words is sentimental enough lol! Honestly don’t miss out on a person when it’s too late, you will regret it. I don’t need flowers every week or to listen to the opinions of others 24/7, a relationship is between two people and I’m sad that i forgot that.
In conclusion, this blog has made me feel so much better and i am now switching from my sad playlist to my independent woman playlist :) From now on, I’m going to ignore stupid comments and indirects, I’m going to continue to love myself and the way i look because contrary to what you might believe, i am beautiful inside and out! Relationships clearly aren’t my strong point but I’m sure I can learn on the job. I have a few things to sort out in order to be back on track. So i am officially done ranting ahahahaha and i feel so much lighter! Honestly, if you love someone, ignore everyone else, i so wish i had done that in the beginning. Enjoy that person, you won't realise what you had until it's gone.