Back by popular demand… probably the most consistent I have been in the past three years! I have taken a break from blogging (it was supposed to be permanent) but a lot of you requested a blog, given the fact that every relationship seems to be ending at the minute. What is going on???
I have been single now for nearly two months and it has been the worst experience of my life haha! Considering this is my first break up ever in 21 years, I would like to believe I’ve handled it like a pro. At first, I swear there wasn’t an hour in the day where I didn’t cry, I spent so long going through my memory boxes, scrolling through my snapchat memories and reading old chats… and for what? The only time I felt happy was at work when I was so busy, I couldn’t have had a spare second to think about it. Every romance movie on Netflix has been watched multiple times and I even had to go international at one point… do you know how sad that is haha! My Spotify has played the most gut-wrenching songs and I have disliked every song I associate with that relationship, goodbye 50 Cent and ‘Until I found you’! Every picture is gone, every video has been erased and my password is changed (backed those up tho hahaha). I felt that blogging about my experience would be the perfect way to finally close that door (for the second time.)
When I love someone, I love them way too much. It’s to the point where I will, without realising, put them at the forefront of everything I do. I am their biggest supporter through every new venture or new goal, and when they feel down, I’m like a sponge taking it all in. That’s just my character and how I’ve been raised, I wouldn’t change it for the world because I conduct myself with respect and dignity through every situation. Trust me there were so many times I wanted to react to different things I saw, I just don't care enough to become that kind of person, I have better things to do :) When we broke up, I was really upset, and I felt so burnt-out. I don’t think I realised just how different I had become as a person, I hated my career and felt so insecure in myself. I had focused so much energy on someone else all whilst forgetting the most important person to love is myself. When I looked in the mirror, I genuinely didn’t know who that person was anymore and that gave me the first push to get my Chloe back. The first few weeks were awful, I just kept replaying everything in my head and wondering at which point it went wrong, as if I was the problem? I could laugh looking back haha!
Shout out to my best friends because throughout the process, they have been unbelievably patient and kind to me, even when I’ve chewed their ears off for the millionth time. Having good friends around you is so important, there is no better feeling than having a crappy day and voice noting your group chat, instant refresh lol! As time went on, I started to understand that it was so important to feel every emotion, even if that meant crying in the local corner shop or in the club… do what you gotta do haha! The most humbling time was when I walked home from the station in the rain and walked past the taxi office where I had stuck a business leaflet in the window, I noticed that day it was gone, and I swear I cried the whole way home. Sobbing like a baby haha, I wish someone had videoed it, it was like a movie scene! The amount of times I drafted angry essays in my notes app and then I would cry for hours because I missed him. We’ve all been there or at least I hope, makes me feel saner that way! Over time, I started to feel so much better and rather than being angry at the situation, I accepted the situation for what it was and focused on the beauty of my relationship. It was the best thing I ever did and eventually I noticed a drastic change in my positivity towards not just the past but, for myself and the way I look at me.
Break ups aren’t always a bad thing, often it is just the case of two people who love each other but aren’t necessarily the right fit. As we get older and become new people, we tend to outgrow the past and sometimes, that means relationships can be at the frontline. I used to think my first boyfriend would be my husband, do you know how crazy that is haha! I also used to think I couldn’t be with anyone else, how wrong I was. I’ve found it so eye-opening, just having harmless conversations and spending time with new people, I’m a lot more confident than I realised! You've just got to find the man who will show you good songs and open the car door for you :) To be showered with positive comments has been a lovely ego boost (not that I need it, independent woman and all that.) Over the past two years, I forgot myself, I’m quite beautiful lol and funny, really funny actually and I have a heart of gold <3. I can honestly say, I’ve got back to the old Chloe and my god, do I feel relieved!
For any of you going through a breakup, my biggest piece of advice is to feel everything. Accept it for what it is, don’t chase or beg for anybody back, respect yourself and your worth. Also consider that if you were really that important to them, they would jump at any opportunity to get you back or make amends, when they don’t, that’s your sign to get gone! I have no hate in my heart, and I will always love my relationship, for the good and the bad parts. For me to become the person I am, I must be in uncomfortable situations to truly learn about myself and what I want in the future. It’s a chapter of my life I will look back on with a smile but, not a second glance :)
It hurt for a long time and sometimes it still does but, with each day It gets better, and I am really looking forward to my future and all the amazing things I will achieve. I’m only two months in so I’m not oblivious to the fact I won’t just be over it overnight (if someone wants to speed up the process, please do haha.) It isn’t nice to lose a boyfriend, especially when they were your best friend and you grew up in each other lives however, there will be someone else who will worship the ground I walk on and I’m happy to work on myself until then! I hope this blog has been somewhat insightful for the girls that are now single, there seems to be so many of us lol.
I have left the link below to my spotify playlist that genuinely was the only reason I can write this blog today without crying! It was made and added to in some of my worst moments so if it makes you cry, i’m so sorry lol! Feel free to add your fave sad songs to it so we can all be sad together and also heal, don’t forget that part ffs! Just dye your hair like I did and play it, you’ll feel like a bad bitch (don’t say I don’t look after you all)
So goodbye for now (again), my blog is going through renovations and I am working on some exciting new projects! Coming soon so keep an eye out x