I’m genuinely the worst person for being open about things I’m going through and the way they make me feel. Sometimes I speak too much and others too little. Some days I’ll feel like I’m on top of the world, other times I feel like I’m wrapped up in a whirlwind of my thoughts that I can’t escape from.
Growing up I never really had anything to worry about, I had good support around me being my family and friends and everything was ‘perfect.’ I enjoyed everyday from the minute I woke up to the minute I closed my eyes. When I was younger I felt invincible, like nothing could get to me because I was so loved and cared for by my parents that they would just fix it for me. I think the only problems I ever had as a kid was if mum drove past the drive thru at McDonalds :( That was some early heartbreak lol!
Everyone has rubbish days or weeks or months even where they feel low and want to hide away from everything. I mean I get it, just add a sad playlist and a spontaneous new haircut. I’ve always been extremely happy with what I’ve achieved in the past few years especially with my parents divorce and rebuilding relationships with important people in my life however, there will be days where I will completely forget about all the positive things I’ve done and solely focus on every intricate detail of everything negative against me. I’ll replay exact moments from the past in my head where I made a bad decision and before I know it, I’m my own biggest critique. People can be so mean nowadays without even realising the impact their words have on us but, I’ve realised a lot lately that the way you see yourself can hurt a lot more.
Is it just me or do you ever feel really bad for being sad? Like your not allowed to be because there’s someone out there going through a whole lot worse and coping so well with it. Don’t!! You are allowed to feel whatever feelings you want whether it’s because someone ate the last biscuit or your battle with mental health is getting harder. My outlook on mental health is now so different to what it used to be. I hated the idea of feeling weak and vulnerable when in reality, your actually a whole lot stronger than you think. Your still here aren’t you? In this cruel world, your still here and I feel that is powerful in itself.
Over the past year, I have seen my confidence drop drastically, I felt like I wasn’t good enough and I’ve put myself in situations where I’ve been defeated. Negative people can add to how your feeling but, it’s no ones fault but my own for seeing myself in the same light as they do. I wrote a blog a few weeks ago titled ‘New Beginnings’ and Jesus... that did not age well lol! I, Chloe Lewis, will admit here you should never follow my advice ahaha! My idea of New Beginnings was to contradict everything I was so against before and reenact them all on the same night. I’ve noticed myself acting out in minuscular ways, doing stupid things and risking my health... for what? To take away my feelings for a couple of hours then to go back to feeling crappy the next morning? I wish I had acknowledged just how much extra baggage I had let get on top of me these past few months.
So I bet your wondering where I go from here? I’ve decided that in order for me to have a new beginning, I have to really let myself heal from the past and focus all that time and effort I have spare on myself. I will try to be open with my friends with just how bad it gets sometimes but also engage a lot more in things that make me happy. I know which version of me I want to get back to and I’ve set myself a series of goals to do so. I will shut out every negative comment, every opinion and silly rumour against me because quite frankly it doesn’t define who I am. From now on, anything that happened before, I will be at peace with and move on in the best way possible.
Your more powerful than you think, always remember that!