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CEO of making mistakes :)

Do you ever wonder what your situation would be like if you didn’t make any mistakes? Sometimes i’m so indecisive about things that i end up ruining it before it even starts.

When it comes to relationships, i have no clue what i’m doing. I’ve never really been in a serious relationship so i’m practically learning on the job lol! My tiktok for you page is basically all romance, so i’m constantly seeing lovey dovey couples everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, i love it, but i don’t think i’ll have it :(

I struggle so much with being open about how i’m feeling, not even to someone i like but in general, i’m the worst. My head seems to already prepare me for the worst case scenario before i even get to enjoy the good. I’m so worried that i’ll end up hurting someone that after all the overthinking i do, i push them away anyway. What a nightmare! I play this big on and off game where they don’t know whether their coming or going and trust me it is just as draining for me as it is them. Of course i want to be in a long term relationship but i just can’t seem to get past the trust issues and overall nervousness of starting something new. The sad part is by shutting myself off, i’m missing out on some of the best people who could treat me the right way.

I know i make a lot of mistakes, i’m not very reassuring and i’m way too independent. The whole idea of being with someone means you both contribute to the relationship however, i am guilty of always taking control. I hate being out of my depth so i do try to steer things in my idea of the right direction without even considering their feelings. It’s such a reoccurring cycle of me pushing someone away and then regretting it when it’s too late. So what do you do when it’s affecting your relationships with good people?

Recently, i’ve been speaking to someone about everything that’s bothering me and i tell you guys this because therapy or counselling as such is shied away from a lot. You don’t have to even be going through it to want to speak to someone who isn’t bias. Now i’ve got everything out of my system, i see things so much clearer. It’s all about working past your problems rather than letting them consume you. I’ve never felt better since focusing on the issue directly instead of sweeping them under the carpet for them to bother me at a later date. I know exactly the reasons why i can’t seem to keep anything going for a long time or why i get so worried for new relationships. It’s such a refreshing feeling because now i know the next person who comes into my life, old or new, it will be a blank page.

So how do you know who your person is? The one thing i always stick to is when you go out with friends or family to a place or event, if you find yourself wishing you could bring a certain person there, your definitely in your feelings lol! :) If you start imagining scenarios with them, thinking about them or wanting to check in on them all the time, you should probably tell them how you feel...

I’ve always had a soft spot for one certain boy but when you don’t act right, you don’t get to reap the benefits of all they can give you. You know that person who presents themselves so well to others and always puts 100% into everything. He is ambitious, supports you and all your endeavours, a heart of gold? Yeah, thats him. I forget how young i am and that it’s okay to get things wrong, not everything is perfect but i do know that hurting peoples feelings is not something i take so well with. I’m so sorry i gave you the worst of me when i could have been my best. One thing i’ll say to you all is that just apologising and saying you’ve changed doesn’t solidify that, you have to actively show you’ve changed by doing everything the right way. If your not ready for someone, don’t bother them, i wish people would consider this!

I do want a relationship, i want to do everything right and stop being confused all the time. If i’m honest, i’ve known all along who i see that with but when you’ve constantly made them feel unwanted, have you done too much? Be considerate of people and their feelings towards you, sometimes being selfish means knocking people down. You can have the strongest feelings for someone but if you abuse that, you’ll lose them. I never meant to do any of that, i just dragged him into a big mess when i wasn’t ready to be my best self.

The lesson here is that making mistakes is okay, it’s normal and it’s very common. Don’t be harsh on yourself, if you know where you’ve gone wrong, stay away from situations where you could potentially do it again. Let yourself feel whatever your feeling and be honest, don’t miss out on someone great because you’ll regret it. Just think of all the ways you could be beneficial for each other and be positive. Life has weird ways of showing you who is for you and who isn’t, i’ve worked that out way too late. Wish people all the best even if that means they don’t think that’s you. Be kind to yourself and leave room for improvement in your life. Lose your shoelaces in Tilbury for the right person or for the person who talks gangsta loudly at 2 in the morning walking down the street lol :)

Alexa, play positions by Ariana Grande ;)

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